Living with Others

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. --Romans 12:18 NKJV

This verse has been jangling around in my brain for a few days now. I've been trying to ignore it, but I can't. Honestly, I feel if a verse is sitting in your head, it's probably the Holy Spirit trying to tell you something. I have to admit to having a very bad attitude toward people in general. I think we live in a society of spoiled and immoral people. The problem is that this would include me. So instead of snarling at people, I need to work on my attitude and my spoiledness (is that a word?). It is not all right for me to let the world get to me to the point that I shut down even trying to get along with people anymore. The Bible says I should try. I think the reason we're told this is so we can reach the lost and hurting. People need His love so badly, and it's our job to reach them with it. It's MY job to reach them even when I don't feel like it. I rely on myself too often instead of leaning on the only real source of power.

Fall

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf's a flower. -- Albert Camus

I love the fall. I love when the weather starts to get colder and the leaves start to turn. I love the colors and the smells. I love getting sweaters out and wearing thicker socks in my favorite arm chair. It's just my favorite time of the year. I also am reminded that everything is changing so that eventually, the new can come. It's like that song by Shinedown. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. That's the story of my life right now. A lot of things have ended, but they are just paving the way for something new.

Wake Up Call

I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called. Ephesians 4:1 NKJV

Yesterday, I woke up and thought, "What am I doing? Do I believe in God or not? And if I do, can I continue to ignore God's commands about how to live my life?" I have been pretending that I can be a child of God, but then ignore Him and His commands when it's not convenient or I just don't feel like listening. I simply cannot continue this way. I won't allow guilt and remorse to consume or cripple me. instead, I'll face forward and only look back to be grateful for the way God has saved me. If my feet are dragging in mud, it's because I put them there. Jesus saved me, but I'm wasting this precious gift. Wasting it. And it's because I've been relying on my own strength and not His. But each day is also a gift, a chance to turn around and head the right direction. Every breath reaffirms my ability to change with God's help.

Coffee

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. --Marie Osmond

I have to admit that lately I've let so many little and big things get to me and tear me down. But sometimes, I think I just get too tired to fend them off. I get so busy I forget to take time for myself and repower my batteries. When I manage to take time to do this, I look back and think, "Why was I so worried about these things?" That's how I feel today. I had a nice weekend hanging out on a Military Sealift Command ship with my ex-husband (we're not getting back together). Just not being at work or even around the internet helped me refocus on what is important in life. It helped me to remember to appreciate my friends and family. I have a really great support network for which I am truly grateful. In the last 13 months, I have lost over 150 pounds. I found a nice place to live with my roommate. I love my pets. NCIS is on almost every night. And new Diner Dash-like games come out all the time. I have so much for which to be joyful. Why do I ever let the little things drag me down?

Reality and TV

I'm watching one of the five thousand reality shows on television right now. I remember when the reality show first started hitting the scene. When I was in high school, The Real World was introduced on MTV. This may not have been the first reality show, but it's the first I really remember. My first thought was, "I can't wait to get on my own reality show!" But now, I'm just horrified by what has happened to the genre. When will it end? A "Weird" Al song about television talks about watching lions eating Christians. It was funny when that song came out, the phrase was funny. It's too close to the truth now to be amusing. People...the television industry will only stop the madness when we truly stop watching. Why are we watching people behave badly for entertainment? A future bride abusing everyone involved with her wedding is not cute. Watching a family break up and then stalking them through their separation is not fun. Finding a life partner through a pool of possibilities on television through a series of dates that turn into makeout sessions is not classy. When we all start respecting ourselves and each other, this insanity will stop. Am I downing all reality television? Not at all. I appreciate reality shows with a point and don't have a problem with most reality competitions (American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Hell's Kitchen). These shows are not as much about these people's personal lives as about their professional skills. A competition is good for the spirit. But we just have to stop prying into everyone's personal lives, even celebrities. They have public jobs, they should not have public lives. And I don't need to know their political views. Oy vey!

Support Our Troops

Yesterday, I spent time with Eric Horner's Ministries at Fort Jackson in Columbia, SC. It was a blessing I would not have expected. He sang at two chapel services in the morning and sang at a concert in the afternoon. I was grateful to be able to talk to young soldiers in training and hear their stories. It was an honor to serve those serving us. Folks, I'm telling you, we owe them a debt we cannot repay, and most of them are just babies. They were so young. I wish there was more we could do to support them. Please take a few minutes and say a prayer for our soldiers everyday. It's the very least we can do and one of the most important things we can do. Also, if you get a chance, take a look at Eric Horner's websites.

http://www.erichorner.com/
http://www.victoryconcerts.com/

Restored At Last?

O Israel, return to the LORD your God,
For you have stumbled because of your iniquity;
Take words with you,
And return to the LORD.
Say to Him,
"Take away all iniquity;
Receive us graciously,
For we will offer the sacrifices of our lips."

--Hosea 14:1-2

Sounds like a pertinent quote for our country. I get so tired and discouraged watching the news. How hard are our people's hearts! I don't pray enough for our country to turn back to God. I think that should be a new goal.

Ummmm.....

Wow. It's been a long time. I will try to update this week. Sorry, everyone!

Love Stinks

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin

Well, well, it's about that time again. Time for me to whine and moan about romance. I do this just every so often. I had stopped for a while when I was married, but since the divorce, I find myself falling back into the routine. Meet someone (or a couple of someones), spend time with them, get excited about the possibility, get rejected or learn something unwanted, get mad at the world. This is how I operate. I would say it's working for me, but..ahem...maybe not. I suppose it's just life, and there's no reason to be mad at the world. Just the same, although I had been excited about the prospect of dating again, I think I'm going to take a break. I've just been dating for a few weeks, but once you get a couple of guys in the mix, well, it just gets exhausting. Who likes what? Who works where? Who's not a serial killer? I mean, who can remember all this stuff? Some days I look at myself in the mirror and struggle to remember my name.

Anyway, the living history at Kings Mountain was fantastic! We watched movies in the amphitheater and had popcorn in our helmets before camping out in tents only to rise early and greet the public. I was fortunate enough to actually be able to speak to a couple of WWII vets, and it made the whole thing worthwhile! Come see my guys at the Charlotte Museum of History this Saturday from 10 - 5.

Long Time, No Speak

I have been looking for a smart, relevant quote for today's blog, but it was taking too long, and I need to get to work. Sorry, readers, you're missing out on a quote today. You'll probably forgive me. I hope so anyway.

My life has been a whirlwind lately. I have been out of town for the last two weekends and will be out of town next weekend as well. I have enjoyed the last two weekends as they were family related, but I am looking forward to next weekend...Kings Mountain - Military through History! My WWII re-enacting group will be heading there to participate. They said this was a great event last year, and I am looking forward to being involved this year. If you can make it out there, by all means, go! It should be great. There will be quality re-enactors from several time periods. And, of course, moi!

I will have more to post this afternoon, but for now, I just wanted to put a little plug out there for me and my boys. :-)

Swine Flu and more!

I don't really have much to say about the swine flu (H1 N1 or whatever). I just wanted to hop on the hype bandwagon. SWINE FLU?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There. Now I can be considered part of the media.

On a more serious note, I've been trying to do less thinking lately and more living based on instinct and gut. What have I learned? Well, I might overthink things, but that's probably better than the not thinking at all decision. I don't feel like myself to fly by the seat of my pants and never think anything through. I mean, yes, I have been known to make spontaneous decisions, but then I think and think and think about it afterwards - usually in an effort to clean up whatever mess I made. Haha! I'm not a kid anymore, but I'm also not a senior citizen reflecting on a long life well lived. I have a lot to do and accomplish, and I just want to make the most of the time I have. My most frequent prayer lately is for wisdom to know God's will and to simply have more wisdom in general. I know to err is human, but do I have to make so MANY mistakes?

So Long, Bea Arthur...

I'm so sorry to hear about her death. She seemed like a fine lady. And I am still a devout Golden Girls fan. Watching it in bed right now. Sexy, right? Left work sick today. Hoping it's not Swine Flu. Having lots of sinus issues this spring. More than ever. I wonder why. Oh well. This is probably pretty rambly. I hate feeling sick. I hate dating too. It's nerveracking. It feels like this crazy guessing game. No one ever says what they really mean. Not to mention it's easy to get your own feelings and emotions all mixed up and twisted around. Which might be why it's hard to gauge what other people are thinking because maybe they're as mixed up as well. Dating when you're young and single is difficult. Dating when your older and divorced is crappy. But I still want romance and the chance to meet someone who can be special. I guess this is what everyone has to go through to meet the right person. Maybe? I don't know. Honestly, I didn't do a lot of dating prior to my marriage and frankly, I have a lot more options since I've lost so much weight. It's not right, but it's reality. I feel like I'm drifting in completely uncharted territory. And I get lots of advice (conflicting, I might add). Hrmmm... It's the illness. Just one of those days. When I feel better, everything will be rosy again.

Rudy

Rudy was on last night. I caught part of it. Still one of my all time favorite movies. And it IS my favorite sports movie though it's really more about overcoming the odds and following a dream. I love Rudy because he's such an underdog, and in true American fashion, I almost always cheer the underdog. That's because I identify with them - the underdogs, that is. I believe most of us are underestimated. Maybe we underestimate ourselves, but the capacity for great things is probably there, and we just don't tap into it. I especially believe this as a Christian, not because I believe in my strength or goodness, but I believe in God's strength and goodness. And God can work through all of us if we let Him. More is possible in this life than we like to allow ourselves to believe.

On a side note, the real Rudy spoke at my high school when the movie came out. And his speech made me feel like I could accomplish anything, and I mean ANYTHING. It was fantastic. If you still haven't seen this movie, buy it.

Move Along, Move Along, Like I Know You Do

Lyrics from a song I've heard recently. The title has nothing to do with anything.

Last night, I came home from work in a melancholy mood. I just felt blah and depressed. I couldn't even tell you why. The dreary rain probably didn't help. So my roommate and I decided to go out and do something. We went to Panera bread at Sandhills and had supper. Then we walked in the mist to the Books-A-Million. We went our separate ways almost immediately to browse for a while. I LOVE magazines. I really do. I love books too, but I have a strange connection with magazines. I think it's my short attention span. Anyway, I found myself moping along the back wall of magazines and thinking about how many magazines there are for all different types of people. I looked at the people walking around the magazines. A dad pushing a stroller of a sleeping baby, a sports junkie, a middle-aged woman scouring the home improvement mags... I thought about how dowdy I must look. Jeans, blue and white button up shirt, gray sweater, and a baseball cap - I looked like a bag lady. And I wonder why I don't meet more people. I think I have body issues, but I might be scaring people off subconsciously with my homeless person attire. I have to think about that. Anyway, it was a nice evening of book/magazine browsing and people watching. Usually this would be where I insert my deep thought about this event, but today, I want to just be. No deep thoughts. I've been thinking WAY too much lately.

Going, going, going...nah...

A couple of posts ago, I wrote about my exhaustion. My life has been so busy lately in good and bad ways. Today, I went to church and then I LOUNGED - napping on and off and watching reruns of America's Next Top Model. It has been delicious! Wow, I needed to recoup and am glad I took advantage of this afternoon.

So why did I need to recoup? Well, I've been away from home for the last few weekends with WWII re-enactments and visiting friends and loved ones. It's been a blast, but sometimes a person just needs to veg out. But I'm so thankful for the things I've been able to do recently.

On a different note, I wanted to mention that I've been single for a couple of months now and have entered the scary world of dating. So I've been asking advice from lots of different people in different areas of my life. I think it's crazy that men joke about never figuring women out when I think men are much more complicated to decipher. I need a translator sometimes. And yet, I persist. But the one thing I have decided upon re-entering the dating scene is that no one really knows anything about it. You really can't base any judgement on pop culture or media because it's not real. But each person's experience is so unique and different that advice doesn't seem to help anyone else. How many dates makes a relationship? When should you consider being exclusive? Why hasn't this person asked me out? Should I ask them? Should I call, text, or email? Is it too early to give a gift? What is over the top? Am I being too clingy? Am I being too distant? There are a gazillion articles about dating on the internet addressing these issues. And everyone has an opinion, so I'm stating mine. There is not a right answer. What one person might find clingy, another might find romantic. Maybe one person is sick of getting texts, but another person really likes them. Maybe that person is waiting for an invite instead of inviting the other person. It's so complicated. I think the best thing to do is act the way that feels natural to you and hope you meet someone who appreciates you for you. Trying to fit a mold is a mistake. If I do what is natural to me and someone doesn't dig it, then it's time to move on anyway. Trying to be something I'm not is just not going to work. And it's really exhausting. I find it tiring enough just to deal with being me. I don't have time to be something or someone else. And I like feeling like what you see is what you get. I love to play games, but not in relationships - romantic or otherwise. Who has time for it? If you have time for it, you have too much free time and need a hobby.

Pics from SOV IV

Sons of Valor IV - Dalzell, SC March 2009

My Facebook status says I am bruised like a banana, and I truly am. But the event was great! Sons of Valor is a concept event WWII tactical closed to the public. Reenactors come from all over to participate in a simulated battle that uses scoring to determine a winner. I refer to these tactical events as "boys with toys" and paintball in WWII. There were some technical difficulties and some delays, but overall, the event was fantastic. I arrived on Thursday night bearing food for the guys already there. I brought my tent and sleeping bags to start setting up my camp. The guys helped me set up the tent. Our company CO then convinced me to stay overnight and hang out. We had a lot of fun around a campfire relaying stories of past events. Many of the guys involved in WWII re-enacting also participate in Civil War reenacting so there were lots of fun stories about other people's antics as well as our own. For the first time in a long time, I have to admit, I felt included and accepted. It's a difficult hobby for a woman to link up with a group that is mainly guys, but my group has been incredible for keeping me involved and included. But this was the first time I have felt really included by participants outside of our unit. And it was rewarding. But I digress...

Friday morning, I got up early and drove home, showered, had blood work done (routine, nothing is wrong), helped my roommate get her cats in their carriers for a vet visit, and then headed to work. After a couple of hours of very distracting working, I headed home. I made enough spaghetti for 30 people, packed, and got into my uniform. Then I drove out to my cousin's house and picked her up. We loaded her stuff and headed out. As soon as we rolled in, we were rushed to our campsite to get food to our guys. The tactical maneuvers were starting early. We rushed down and unloaded the food and the rest of our gear. Then my cousin and I hit the vendors. We were beckoned to take over the registration tent which we manned from 6pm to 11pm. It was slow at times, cold and dark too, but it really gave us a chance to meet a lot of people as we checked them in. Two German reenactors really spent time hanging out with us, and my cousin and I were very grateful as it made the time go MUCH faster. One of the Germans that visited offered to give us a tour of his camp so after 11pm, we strolled down and met some of the German reenactors which was a treat. I rarely get to spend much time meeting Germans just because of the way most of the events are set up. This reenactor also promised to let us ride in the halftrack after the battle. What a nice fella!

After a somewhat cold and restless night, my cousin and I stumbled out of our sleeping bags at 5:45 am. We dressed and filled the canteen. From that point, we did some hurry up and wait time. Evidently, there was a lot of trouble with several vehicles so transportation to the engagement area became a problem. As non-combatants, T (my cousin) and I were almost the very last to be taken over. Most of the morning was spent waiting for soldiers to come back and need aid from us (we were sporting nurse impressions). The person we had thought was bringing bandages was unable to make the event, and we were not aware until we were in the field. So T, being a good sport, took off the white t-shirt I had loaned her to wear under her jumpsuit, and we used a pocket knife to cut it up and make bandages. We felt quite rough and tumble. One of the HQ guys came back to the "aid station" and advised us the battle might be moving so we should hop in the jeep and go with him. We did. As we crossed a creek that the engineers had built a bridge for, the bridge gave way, and the jeep got stuck in the mud. The three of us got our and tried to help push as the driver tried to move the jeep. I was still behind the jeep when he decided to try to back up. T and the HQ fella about had a heart attack watching as the jeep driver nearly mowed me down, but I had a strong sense of self preservation and jumped basically into the thickest mud puddle to escape. So I was wet and muddy, but unharmed. It was pretty funny, actually, and the jeep came out of the mud.

After some indecision, we ended up back at the end of the road, pulling the water buffalo closer to the battle, and helping guys refill their canteens. The morning got warm fast, and the guys were all exhausted. My group had been out in the field all night and was still fighting in the day. Now, I'm not knocking any other groups, but my guys always impress me with their tenacity. They really take their roles as 82nd Airborne reenactors seriously. They're usually first in and up front. And they hang in there. After an unofficial lunch break, T and I caught up to them, and they looked tired. But when it was time to go, they got up and went without complaint. I'm always very proud of them.

T and I were also actually allowed to follow along behind the fighting force after lunch. Our CO reminded me to stay 30-40 yards behind the fighting, to stop when they stopped, and move back when they moved back. My need to not anger our CO made me overly cautious, and we stayed so far back that we actually lost sight of the fighting force and got left behind. Why I felt the need to not anger the CO, I don't really know. He's never been mean or anything, but I just don't want to see that. So T and I stood in the middle of the woods looking at each other with the "what do we do?" expressions. Finally, we heard gunfire. I said, "Well, I guess we should go that way." We cautiously made our way in the direction of the fire fight and took cover whenever we spotted anyone until we were sure who it was. We spotted Germans three times, but managed to remain unseen (even when one of them pee'ed in the woods in our direction). After what seemed like an eternity of walking, crouching, and low-crawling through bushes, we finally happened upon some Allies. Who should be with them? The CO who gave us the "where have you been?" look. Lots of looks during reenactments. Anyway, he walked over and asked. We told him, and he just kind of laughed at us. He then gave us an example of what 30-40 yards looks like. I'll admit - my bad. One of the event coordinators happened to be with this unit. He came over and told us to stay with him as most of the fighting was over, this group was being split up for one last heavy push, and we wouldn't be able to help much. So we stuck with him and had a good laugh about getting lost. The halftrack approached, and we took off our helmets to indicate we were out of the game. The vehicle stopped, and our German friend offered us all our promised ride. We greedily accepted and climbed up and in. As we rode back into camp, Allies gave us more looks. But it was all in good fun. We had our barbecue dinner, did some more bull-shooting, then packed up and headed home.

I was in bed by 9:30pm and slept until 11:00 am. I hate that I missed church again, but my body just would not cooperate. Wow, was I beat! Plus, I am embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to get really off track with my vitamins and protein over the weekend so by Sunday night, I was pretty sick feeling. But this morning, I feel much better (after two protein drinks, more sleep, and some vitamins). I worked out this morning and was not as sore as I expected. By this afternoon, I may be singing a different tune! Enjoy the pics.

Exhaustion

It's written on my face in big, bold letters today. But it's all right. It's the exhaustion of having good things going on in your life that are keeping you busy. Next weekend is my big WWII re-enactment weekend in Camden, SC. Woohoo! I'm overly excited and hyper. I need to work on packing and repacking my gear, but I pretty much have something planned every evening this week too. But it will all work out just fine because Sons of Valor IV is going to be a great time!

I apologize my last couple of posts have been so brief, but I really am lacking in time. It should slow down some next week.

Catch me if you can!

Repeat?

Change your thoughts and you change your world. -Norman Vincent Peale

I'm pretty sure I've used this quote before, but I felt like I needed to think about this again. It's so easy to get fixated on one thing in your life and ignore other very important things. That's what I feel like I've been doing. And I'm tired of doing that. That's really all I have to say about that.

Anniversary

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Today would have been my 4 year anniversary with my ex-husband. This is my first anniversary since the divorce. I won't lie. This week has been difficult. Valentine's Day on Friday, my birthday on Monday, and today. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in a weepy state. When I got to my Divorce Care Support Group, everyone assumed I had a cold because my nose was so red from being wiped so much. Quite attractive. But I wasn't there to be pretty. I was there because I needed to be. I have to say that doing the Divorce Care Support Group again has been a really good decision. God is really using it to heal me, even more so than when I first went through the 13 week series. I don't think I will go again, but I really needed to go this time even though I didn't think I did. The people have been so compassionate and understanding. I like to think I've made some lifelong friends who understand what it means to go through a divorce. Our society is so casual about it, but there is nothing casual about divorce.

Of course, I also have to admit that I have so many other irons in the fire right now that I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed. It's a bad habit of mine to have too many things going at once. But I am learning not to pile on so much. And I'm learning to juggle, but really tackle one thing at a time. Most things just need prioritzing. I'll get there. God is with me as He is with all His children. And I need Him more now than ever.

Getting Back to Basics

Take time to discover who you are, and be your own person. --Paula Bachleda Koskey

So I haven't posted since my divorce was final. No, it's not because I've been so busy dating. Actually, more like I've been busy making an idiot of myself. That is a story that actually will not end up on this blog. Also, there's been drama in my personal life that also will not end up here. I know, I know. I normally write everything here, but the drama was not my personal drama so it's not my place. It has, however, kept me from writing. But I think I have some better perspective on the personal situations so I feel better.

One thing I do want to say for now, though, is that our God is a mighty and loving God. I really don't deserve the fact that He saves me from myself quite often, but I'm so thankful He does. Just having the personal relationship I have with Him is a blessing, but He gives us so much more. And I will also say, I really do need protection from myself. I could get myself in all kinds of trouble. I've been contemplating bad relationships, job choices, etc. I think I have just been so weirded out by the divorce that everything has felt up in the air. But I've been looking to God for help and yesterday, I just felt a sense of peace wash over me. It's as if God actually said to me, "Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46)." I feel like I'm being reminded that with the divorce, now is not the time for me to make ANY big decisions. The only decision I am content with is to go back to school. I enrolled at Southern Wesleyan College last week. Classes for my cohort will start in February as long as I can get all the paperwork taken care of in time. Whew! Big step, but I've needed to do it for a long time!

Finality

So I'm truly single now. It's mind-boggling to me that people walk into court married and out of court single. I knew it would happen, but it still just baffles me. My cousin and I spent maybe 5 minutes in court. The judge was filing the decree yesterday with the clerk of court, and my ex and I are truly divorced. It feels weird, but can I admit to feeling some relief and freedom. I'm no longer in limbo. I'm divorced, but single. This morning, I spent a long time on the phone with my ex hashing out some last financial details. Then I updated my bills calendar and re-worked my budget. It's going to be tight, but I'm confident that I'll make it. And things won't always be this tough. I will, however, be keeping my car for the rest of my life because once that thing is paid for. I don't think I can be talked into another car payment for a LONG time. Maybe if I eventually meet my goal of marrying Josh Groban or Micheal Buble for their money and voices then I can have another car payment once this one is paid off. Otherwise, it will be a hard sell.

It's a new life for me. In fact, I'm convinced it's time to start doing things that help meet my goals and dreams instead of just keeping the status quo. Next week, I'm meeting with an admissions representative from a local college. I'm going to do my best to complete my four year degree. I know this will open a lot of doors for me, even with my writing. A degree will really give more credibility to my writing and freelance work. I know it's a step in the right direction. Eventually it will truly help me to make more money and be more self-sufficient, which is my main goal. It will also help with my secondary goal of meeting the first goal by doing work that I enjoy.

Before I sign off, I want to say thank you to so many people that have prayed for me and encouraged me in the last few weeks (months). You know who you are, and you're greatly appreciated. And to those who were able to make it to the girlie party last night, thank you so much for coming! I had a great time, and it was the perfect way to end the day.

I'm hoping my posts will really start taking a new tone again as I move on with my life and learn more about myself. Everyone, have a wonderful weekend!

D-Day Coming

So Friday is D-Day for me (Divorce). I meet my lawyer at the courthouse at 10:30 am and go to court at 11:15 am. I know this has to happen, but I am really dreading it. And I have just been a wreck last week and this week. I did not expect to be this emotional. I guess everyone goes through different emotions when they get divorced. I have ridden a roller coaster as the date draws closer. I know that God wants to bless me and is not going to leave me alone, but it's still a turbulent time. Not to mention, as usual, I have too many irons in the fire and trying to juggle to get everything completed. Worried about money. The usual. I will be all right, but I could still sure use some prayers. Especially Friday. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.

On a quick lighter note, I went to a WWII training in South Hills, VA last weekend. It was a blast! It was cold, but it was a blast. When I say cold, I mean, cold. I mean, I pulled my tent flap back to go to sleep and ice fell off, cold. Ended up spending part of the night in my car with the heater on. I'm not proud. The training itself was helpful. I got to do close order drill with a rifle and follow the guys into tactical training. Got "shot" twice. Once, I caught it on video! Wonder if I could load it here? Hmmmm...

Happy New Year!

As I crawl out of bed at 12:15 pm, I am astonished by the possibilities of my life. Sure, most days I am frustrated by my current situation, but I should be honest with myself. All of my current situations are a result of my decisions. That means, I can change almost every aspect of my life I am unhappy with including my job, my home, my weight (obviously, already working on that). Anything I want to change will take time and hard work, but having gastric bypass surgery has proven something to me. I am capable of being more disciplined than I ever thought possible. Sure, it's fear of getting sick that drives me, but I am still driven. If I trust in God and don't rely simply on my own resources, I can achieve a LOT more than I am now. And that is what I want. I have a good job, a decent place to live, and have already lost 113 pounds. Do I want more? Absolutely. Why? Because it's possible. My job is good, but there is more to me than this job. The place I live, it's roomy, but with lots of problems. My weight - well, I am so happy with my achievement, but I'm not ready to stop losing weight because I still have about 80 pounds to go to reach my goal.

I want to make it understood that I am extremely grateful for my blessings, and I have been very blessed. But I feel a drive to achieve more with my life than what I am doing now. I have always felt a need to exceed the norm, and I have always felt God instilled that in me for a reason. I don't need to be rich, famous, or powerful to do this. But I feel that my life was meant to be something different than what it is now. I don't feel like I was supposed to work in a cube farm environment doing the same thing day in and day out. But maybe I am. I don't think I am explaining this very well, and I don't want to sound like a snob. I think it boils down to this: I've heard all my life that when God gives you a gift, He intends for you to use it. I think that's true with our personalities, too. If God gives you a creative thought process, He expects you to channel it and use it, just like an artistic talent. I am very rarely using any of those gifts, especially in the job I have now. I just feel there has to be a way to use my personality and talents in a job that will suit me and help others. This year, I will spend a lot of time in prayer about it. And I think I'm going to try to go back to school and finish my degree so I have more options. Please pray with me about this. Your prayers are also much appreciated as is your friendship.

The one thing in my life I don't want to change (except maybe to add to it) is my network of friends and family that have been such wonderful support and love in my life! Thank you all for being there for me. I sincerely hope I can bring to your lives what you bring to mine.

And lastly this morning, in response to a previous comment, I'll briefly mention last night's party. I have to admit, I obviously and not well yet because one bout of the Electric Slide (stop giggling) sent me into a small coughing fit. But I recovered, and the night was a great success! My cousin had invited so many people she had a whole table full of guests, which was great because we had a blast. The DJ was funny. He actually got almost everyone to do the Hokey Pokey. Yes, I know. I haven't done that since the last time I went to the rollerskating rink that is now closed. It made me a little skeptical, but actually it was a pretty good icebreaker. I learned a new line dance and met a lot of people. I was coaxed to croak out some karaoke even with my cold. Then I coaxed my whole table into getting onstage with me to sing "My Boyfriend's Back." Near midnight, after a lot of dancing and talking, the crowd had kinda settled into seats at tables. A small group started dancing and singing to some music from Grease. I managed to get my roommate to go up with me and the DJ got involved with the dance shoving the microphone into my face to sing the girl's part from "Summer Nights." This startled me into almost choking on and then swallowing my gum. Goodbye, Mint Mojito gum! It was hilarious. A good night to be sure! At midnight, I didn't kiss anyone (to answer someone's question), but I hugged a lot of people and got a kiss on the cheek from a stranger. We watched some fireworks and went home. I had a great time. And am so happy to remember that I can. And to be sure, I DANCED and DANCED! By the end of the night, I was worn out, and I slept until after noon, but it was worth it!

I hope everyone had a wonderful evening, and I sincerely hope that 2009 is a better year than 2008 for everyone I know. Happy New Year, everyone!