All the Single Ladies...

Okay, I'm not single yet, but I only have about 16 days to go so I am going to a singles New Years Eve Party tonight at my cousin's church. Ironically, I have been sick the last three days and should probably be staying home since I haven't been at work all week, but I'm getting a little stir crazy here. And I have been looking forward to this party for weeks. Sounds like it's going to be fun. Maybe I'll even get up the nerve to dance since they've gone to the trouble of hiring an actual DJ. I doubt they'll be playing Superfreak by Rick James, but I'd still like to have the confidence to get on the dance floor and enjoy myself. I used to like to dance and would get on the dance floor with a group of girlfriends, but the more weight I gained, the less confident I felt and the more self conscious I felt. So I danced less and less until I just stopped doing it altogether. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I went to my company Christmas party and really, really wanted to dance, but I wouldn't let myself. Then it hit me how long it had been since I had let myself just enjoy a moment like that. And why should I have deprived myself? My weight? That was a stupid reason. But I've lost over 110 pounds now so I can't even keep using that excuse. Yes, I still have a long way to go, but life is happening NOW. How proper that I should choose to live life to the fullest on that last night of 2008. I want to ring in the New Year happy and full of life and hope. And that's what I should do without worrying how I look doing it.

I Am Not a Freak! Well...

Tonight, my soon-to-be-ex took my roommate and I out to the Olive Garden. And this was the first time in a long time that I was able to go out to eat and feel pretty normal. We ordered the spinach-artichoke dip which came with a delicious bread. It was smooth and spicy, a perfect compliment to the soft bread. Then I followed that with a couple of spoons of the new Chicken Gnocchi soup - a lovely, creamy soup with a mild flavor. For the main course, I had the herbed salmon with broccoli and peppers. I only had a bite or two, but I garnished it with lemon juice from the lemon slice on the side, and it was wonderful! After a few minutes, we decided to get dessert and had the no sugar added torta di chocolate. It was heaven on a dessert plate. I have not been able to order a dessert in a restaurant for months, and this was so rich and decadent. Mike asked me if I needed to be left alone with the plate. It was a warm, luscious chocolate cake with vanilla cream and sweet strawberries on the side. Again, I only had a bite or two of the last dish, but it was worth it and enough to satiate me. It was WONDERFUL!

Merry Christmas!

So today is Christmas...Merry Christmas to everyone! My family celebrated Christmas Eve at my house then most of us spent Christmas Day at home. My mom, stepdad, and younger siblings had Christmas dinner at my house. I truly like hosting a small get together like Christmas dinner. Actually, I like hosting in general. I like cooking for others and seeing them appreciate my work. I made sugar-free (egg-free) egg nog. Everyone was fascinated that the "egg" nog did not actually have eggs in it. But it must have tasted pretty good because I made a big pitcher, and it was gone by the end of the night. I also made a HUGE pot of chili that also almost completely disappeared. The Splenda-sweetened tea did not move, though - that's a group of Southerners for ya. They will try other sugar free foods and drinks, but don't mess with the tea. I have actually gotten used to Splenda-sweetened tea. Once you've gone without sugar long enough, sugar free products really don't taste any different. Every now and then something will catch my fancy and make me miss my previous eating lifestyle (like Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark Squares), but most of the time, I am content. I miss pasta sometimes. And I didn't eat any of the roast today because I was worried it would be too hard to digest. But I had a lovely Christmas food-wise despite the roast. The vegetables cooked with the roast were great, and the baked macaroni and cheese and smashed red potatoes were very tasty as well. I also made a sugar free applesauce cake that went over well today. When I threatened to take it to work to share it, my roommate had a fit. She didn't want to have to share it. Well, at least I know she genuinely likes it.

So it has been a good Christmas for food and entertaining. But it has also just been a good Christmas. I hope everyone has taken some time to remember the greatest gift ever given to man was born on Christmas Day which is why we celebrate.

Early Christmas Tidings

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem saying, "Where is He who has been born King of the Jews? For we have seen His star in the East and have come to worship Him." --Matthew 2:1-2 NKJV

Merry Christmas to everyone early. Just a warning, I bought Christmas cards this year, but have not had a chance to send them out. They might be a tad late. Heheh...

Anyway, I LOVE this time of year. Sure, I don't like the crowds at the store or how much money I spend, but I love celebrating the birth of Jesus. I love the Christmas music. I love the shiny garland and red and green ornaments. I love having a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I love telling people, "Merry Christmas!" I miss the cold winters from up north at Christmas time, but trust me, most Southerners still know how to make Christmas merry. And I am just goofy enough to have bought a $2.00 DVD of a fireplace that place Christmas carols. It's playing right now as I get ready for work and waste time blogging! ;-) How can you not love Christmas?!?!? Tonight, I am taking my nieces to see Christmas lights around town and then we are going to have some sugar free hot chocolate and sugar free cookies. I can't wait!

Update - wow...waited a long time

Take time to discover who you are and be your own person. --Paula Bachleda Koskey

Sorry that is has been so long since I updated the blog. The last few weeks have been a holiday whirlwind, and this weekend looks to be another one.

My big news is that I hit the 100 pounds lost mark last week! As of yesterday morning, I have lost 102.5 pounds. I have stopped getting on the scale everyday. I check a couple of times a week now. And I am really learning some "go to" meals and protein sources. Most days I feel pretty good. Every now and then I eat something wrong or too quickly and get a tummy ache, but most of the time, I feel content and healthy. Before my surgery, I wore a size 30/32 shirt. I am now buying 18/20s. Quite a significant change. When I get my clothes out of the laundry and hold them up, they no longer look like giant fabric tents, but clothes. I still have to get my mind to catch up to my body. And I still have a long way to go. I want to lost almost another 100 pounds and reach a size 8. Before everyone starts to fuss at me, the doctor says that is a reaosnable and healthy goal. I won't get too skinny. Don't worry!

Anyway, in other areas, my court date for my divorce is 1/16. I will be officially single then. I have to admit that I had joined match.com and chemistry.com, but I now realize that it was wayyyyyy too soon. I have cancelled those subscriptions even at a financial loss. But I am proud of myself for cancelling them because it feels like the smart decision to wait to date. However, on 1/17, I will be single and if you know someone... ;-) Just kidding!

Happy Thanksgiving

Well, I'm at Mom's right now, and I have to admit I have been pretty grumpy so far. It finally struck me, too, that being grumpy on Thanksgiving is stupid. I have SOOOO much to be thankful for. I have a great (if dysfunctional) family. I have a decent job. I have a good roommate. I have been lucky enough to have an amicable divorce instead of a messy one (the papers are turned in - just waiting on a court date). I have a reliable car. Clothes to wear. And I have lost 98 pounds in 5 months. What do I have to complain about? Sure, my hair is falling out, but I bought some wigs and everyone I know has been very supportive. So I should be thankful that I have some options. Not to mention, all my research indicates that my hair will grow back. I'm lucky to know the hair loss is probably temporary. So why allow myself to be crabby on a day specifically set aside to be thankful. I'm embarrassed I allowed myself to act so childish.

More pics from Halifax, NC

Halifax, NC Tactical Event

I have now lost 95 pounds! Only 5 pounds away from my first major goal. I am very excited. My hair is still thinning, but it is a small price to pay. I know it will grow back. It normally does for gastric bypass patients. But I have definitely lost weight much more quickly than I would have vver expected. And it is allowing me to do things I haven't been able to do in years. Or it has allowed me to do things I have never done before. This weekend is a good example.

Friday I drove to Lexington, NC to meet up with the leader of the WWII reenacting group I am with. A group of us met at his house and carpooled to Halifax, NC for a tactical reenactment. It was a blast! We found a barn and camped there to get out of the pouring rain and wind. I easily fit into my sleeping bag and even managed to get some sleep. We found out in the morning that 5 tornadoes had touched down basically in the town to our left, passed over, then touched down in the town to our right. They passed directly over us! But by the morning, the rain had stopped and the event went as planned. My unit commander instructed me prior to the event that he wanted me to go out with the troops this time and get pictures of everything I could. Thank goodness I have been working out! And even with that, I am soooo sore today that I can barely walk. I know the guys have to be sore. They were not only hiking the same amount that I did, they were RUNNING. All in all, it was fantastic. During our second mission, one fo the Germans did not recognize me as a non-combatant war correspondent, and I was shot in the head. But even that was a thrill in a way. I was truly participating and not just hanging out waiting for everyone. I feel so blessed and thankful I had the surgery. And whenever I feel bad about my hair or not being able to eat a greasy cheeseburger, I will remember this weekend and how I would not have been able to keep up if I had not had gastric bypass surgery.

On that note, enjoy some pics!

Eating, anyone?

So this week has been a bit frustrating in general. I decided to make sure I am eating more healthfully so I invested in some tofu, soy beans, and soy nuts. In case you are not familiar, soy is the only food outside of meat that contains COMPLETE protein so it is a good choice to replace meat. I'm not becoming a vegetarian, per se, but since most meat makes my stomach feel funny, I have been avoiding it. The problem is that the one thing I am REALLY supposed to be trying to get in my diet is protein. Without meat, I've been trying to use soy to supplement. Boca burgers...um...well, they're not bad, but put them on a bun with cheese, lettuce, and other condiments to eat them. Don't have them like a hamburger steak as I did. You'll miss the ground beef. LOL! I haven't tried the straight tofu, but I did have some of the edamame (soy beans). I followed the instructions on the bag and boiled them in a water with a little bit of salt. Then I dressed them with bleu cheese crumbles and blue cheese dressing. Unfortunately, edamame contains a lot of fiber which also made my stomach hurt. I liked the taste, but I may need to watch that I get that in moderation.

So I told my roommate that maybe I should just live on protein shakes and multivitamins. She didn't seem to think it was a good idea. Hehe... Guess I'll just keep trying.

The Hard Way

More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of. --Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Ever notice how some of us only seem to learn things the hard way? I am one of those people. I have been trying to learn to eat healthier in general and be mindful of how much protein I consume as well as fats and carbs and sugar. But I worked late last night and asked my roommate to grab a burger for me on the way home so I could just eat when I got home. Big mistake! While I have had burgers without problems since my surgery, it has been a long time. And when I got home last night, I was so hungry, I started gobbling away like I did before my surgery. I ate too fast and without chewing well enough. I paid for that last night. It was a painful experience. But I guess I needed to be reminded that burgers are not a good choice and to eat more slowly and carefully regardless of how hungry I am.

On a side note, today I am going to file my divorce papers. I didn't think I would be so emotional about this, but I have been. I am ready to be divorce and so is Mike, but it's just a sad thing to have happen.

I also have been saddened by the election this week. I have not made too many political statements on this blog, but I was disappointed by the country's choice. I voted, but not enough people felt the way I do. However, the choice has been made, and now, I would encourage everyone to pray for Obama. He has been elected as our president so we should pray for God to grant him wisdom in his duties. God can use any situation for good. And the last thing our country needs is more division. We might not have supported him for president, but let's pray that Obama will do a good job. For us doubters, maybe he will surprise us. We need to pray as hard for him as we would have prayed for a president we wanted in office. I might not believe in Obama, but I believe in God. We are instructed to pray for our leaders, not just the ones we like.

Hrmmm....

So...I had my hair cut short this weekend. Why, might you ask? Well, now is the time for me to be brutally honest. My hair is falling out. I knew it was a possibility, but I have to admit I just KNEW that would not happen to me like it does most gastric bypass patients. Why I thought I would be spared this, I have no idea. And it is difficult to deal with which makes me feel shallow and vain. But my hair has always been one of my vanities. So I have been reading up on hair loss after gastric bypass and found that the multivitamins I have been taking are probably not enough for a gastric bypass patient. Because the stomach has been cut so small and the process is malabsorptive, a regular multivitamin does not get absorbed by my system the way a normal person would absorb it. Therefore, it's almost like I'm not taking a multivitamin. My iron has been very, very low, and again, my hair is falling out. I looked on bariatriceating.com for bariatric specific vitamins and found a brand called Celebrate. I take the multivitamin three times a day. I also invested in a hair, nails, and skin formula multivitamin from GNC recommended by my surgeon's office.

The other thing that has constantly been mentioned in my research is the need for more protein for hair growth and just overall health in bariatric patients. I recently ordered a protein sampler from the above-mentioned website and have been experimenting with the protein powders. Some are pretty good. You can't even tell they are protein blends. I also found a coffee drink with 20 grams of protein in it, but I am trying not to drink that all the time as it still has caffeine.

Hopefully, my hair will start growing back soon. I bought some Nioxin shampoo and conditioner and it seems to be helping with the appearance of my hair. Most information about the hair loss also states that because the body has been through so many changes so quickly, it might just take time for the adjustment. For most people, their hair grows back within the 7th to 9th month after surgery. As of Saturday, it has been 4 months. So I am going to keep doing what I am doing and hoping for the best and look at this as a lesson in patience and discipline.

On a very happy note, I have now lost 86 pounds since June 1 (when I started the pre-op diet). I have lost 4 pants size and the ones I am wearing now are starting to get loose. For the most part, I feel very good. I have so much more energy and confidence (even with my thinning hair). It's amazing! I can shop at most plus size stores now. I hate to admit it, but before the surgery, The Avenue was the only store I could use because their sizes went JUST high enough for me to comfortably wear. Yesterday, I went to Lane Bryant for the first time in literally years. It felt great! Of course, my next goal is to be able to wear clothes from the regular store sections instead of plus size. Frankly, I don't think it should be too long. And I am planning a small girls' night party to celebrate when I hit 100 pounds lost! I want to do something frou-frou. My roommate and I were talking about a night at the Koger Center. Sounds like fun to get all dressed up! Anyway, please keep me in your prayers, and thanks to everyone for so much love and support!

Where Have I Been?!?!?!?!?

Nowhere really. Just plugging along trying to make it. Work has been hectic as well as my personal life, but things are going all right. Mike came down this weekend, and we filled out the divorce papers. Had them notarized and hope to get them filed within the next week or two. I have to admit that this has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. We are really like oil and water. We spent a lot of time arguing this weekend over things that had nothing to do with the divorce. It's frustrating. But things will get better. We will be better off as friends, and I'm trying to use this change to jumpstart myself into reconnecting with who I am. I know, I know. It sounds new-agey and kinda liberal, but sometimes we really need to remember who we are to better serve and love those around us. I am remembering how much I enjoy writing and singing. I remember how much I like to do things with other people and spend time with my family (which I still don't do enough).

I have also been spending time reading more about nutrition and health topis related to gastric bypass surgery. I found a great resource a fellow patient had recommended to me a long time ago at www.bariatriceating.com. This site has a lot of information and products specifically geared toward gastric bypass patients. I feel foolish I have not been taking advantage of this website all along. But I have been very excited with the products I have tried and feel greatly encouraged. I CAN do this. And I can keep the weight off. I have lost 83lbs as of Friday morning. Only 117 to go!

Here is a somewhat recent picture (last few weeks).

More Pics from Allison Woods

Allison Woods

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. --Henry David Thoreau

So last weekend I braved the port-a-potties and participated in a big event in Statesville, NC. At a patch of land called Allison Woods, four types of reenactors converged to put on a show for the public: Revolutionary, Civil War, WWII, and Vietnam. Friday was the school day during which probably about 800 kids were bussed in to the grounds for a tour of the camps and for demonstrations. It was fantastic to see the kids soaking up the displays and having a good time. Of course, the leader of our group is a teacher so he was prepared with flyers and a good lesson when the kids came through. On Saturday and Sunday, there were two public battles: Civil War and WWII. Both went very well. Of course, I am a bit partial to the WWII battle because it's the battle my group participated in. I almost didn't get to see it, but at the last minute some of the Civil War reenactors came to watch our camp so I could go. It was really fun to watch. The crowd booed the Axis group and cheered when the Allied troops showed up. I have to give kudos to the guys in my group. They were incredible and cool under pressure. The public battle went over well. Overall, I really enjoyed helping educate the public, but I also really just enjoyed spending time with the guys in my group. They are such a great group of guys. I learned a lot from them last weekend and am very grateful. If you have an opportunity to see a group of WWII reenactors in your area, you should really try to make the effort. Most of these guys put a LOT of time in effort in making sure their stuff is squared away. Anyway, here's a pic of the group. Not a great shot of me, but...

Whew!

It's been a while. Sorry about that. Things have been very hectic and seem to be continuing that way, but I'm finally starting to at least get back into something of a routine. I have now lost 66 pounds. Since my overall goal is a weight loss of 200 lbs, I am very excited to be making such quick progress. I am taking my vitamins, but finding food that doesn't make my stomach hurt is still something I am struggling with. I am finding things that were not hurting my stomach now are and vice versa. The doctor warned me that it would be hit and miss for a while. I just have to keep at it. I am learning.

On a side note, someone talked me into joining a bowling league. Bowling has never really been my thing, but Monday night was our first night, and I have to admit I had a really good time. This may have pretty good potential.

Also of interest for me right now is that I have a pretty big WWII reenactment coming up in a week or two. I will be in Allison Woods in Statesville, NC. We will be camping there the whole weekend for a big hoohah. Seems like it should be fun. Of course, because it is an ALL WEEKEND camping trip, there will only be port-a-potties there. I am dreading that part. But what can you do? At least I have my air mattress now. AND I should almost be able to fit into a regular sleeping bag again so I don't have to worry about being too cold. Yay!

Hmmm...

Sorry it's been so long. And I have to admit, with the move, I have NO IDEA where any of my books of quotes are so it will be a while before I get another of those. I'm not even sure where my Bible is at this point. But we have a long weekend coming up to work on the new place. My roommate and I have almost everything out of the old place now. It's cleaned up except for the laundry room. And the laundry in the laundry room is the last of the stuff to get out. Thank goodness!!! We are going to get that tonight. Thanks to those who helped last weekend. It might be pathetic, but we absolutely could not have done it without you!

I have a lot on my mind but not enough time to discuss it all here. Since the move is pretty much done, I will be blogging more regularly soon.

As a side note, I have now lost 58 pounds.

Move

So my roommate and I have been moving this weekend. Our internet will not be hooked up right away so I will be a little silent for a few days, but not gone. Any help is still appreciated as we still have a good amount of stuff at the old house that needs to get out by the end of next weekend. Prayers will be appreciated too as I am still not up to full speed from the surgery and trying to do too much. :-)

Update Once Again...

I have now lost 52 pounds since June 1st. Since the surgery, I have been losing about 1 pound a day or more. I am finally on the maintenance stage of my diet which means I can eat pretty much what I want within reason. Still no refined sugar. And I should continue to avoid fried foods and foods high in fat and calories, but I can now have breads and nuts and grains again. Yippeee! I bought some Kashi frozen dinners because they are low in sodium, but high in protein which I really need. So yay! I'm feeling sick or in pain less and less when I eat (some of which could be because I am learning to eat more slowly and eat less). I'm getting more water in during the day which is also good.

So here is a photo of me within the last couple of days.

Sorry It's Been a While

Things have been pretty crazy around here. Shocking, eh? I am back at work and moving next weekend. If you want to help, I am needy enough to take you up on it. :-) So right now, I have lost 49 pounds. I am eating just bites at a time, but I don't go around hungry. I miss eating sometimes, but it's getting better all the time. Sometimes I eat a little too much or too quickly and suffer for it, but if I go slowly and eat small bites, then I am okay. So things are going pretty well.

The Continuing Saga

All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

So the struggle continues on. I have been having some bad days. I was supposed to go back to work last week, but was only able to work two days. In some ways, I am very excited about my results, but the process after this surgery can be very frustrating. Friday I had my first experience with "dumping syndrome." I ate my lunch too quickly, and, therefore, I ate too much. I was very ill. Plus, I have managed to somehow pinch my Sciatic Nerve in my back so I have been in some pain. But this morning I am reminded that I should be trusting in God to help me and spending more time in prayer. I rely too much on my own strength, and it gets me in trouble (especially with my mouth). I have to admit lately that I have not been very good at censoring my comments. I have not necessarily said things that were not true, but maybe just not my place to say. Not to mention I could have been a bit more diplomatic when saying what I have had to say lately. And it's kind of been across the board. Oy vey! Anyway, the point is that I need to refocus on God and stop dwelling on myself and my petty complaints.

Update on Weight Loss

Since starting the pre-op diet and having the surgery, I have lost 36 pounds. Last night, I went through some clothes given to me by a family member. Before the surgery, I could not get most of them on. They are about 2 to 4 sizes smaller than the rest of my wardrobe. Last night, I found I could wear about half of the clothes. I was very excited. It made the weight loss more real for me. I've had a lot of people tell me they can see the difference, but it's hard to see it in yourself. The clothes, however, made it apparent to me that 36 pounds is a lot of weight. And I am still dropping. I should really try to stop whining about not being able to eat what I want and be happy that I am on my way to a healthier body.

Headed Home

I have spent the last week at my mom's house at the beach, but today I have to head home. I am sad to go home in a way, though it will be good to sleep in my own bed. I have really enjoyed spending time with my mom, stepdad, siblings, and nephew. When I first arrived, my niece was here as well, and that was great too. Being here kept me focused on other things besides all the food I cannot eat. We went to the beach and had a good time last Sunday, and I got burnt to a crisp, but it was still a lot of fun.

In a way, I am nervous about going home and getting depressed with nothing to take up my time, but I have a lot I need to do around the house, so hopefully that will keep me pretty busy.

Oh, and FYI - the WiFi card on my laptop is dead so I have to send it in the have the manufacturer replace it under the warranty. That is part of why I have not been posting more. I normally use my laptop for that.

Anyway, Monday I go back to work and while I know that will be good for my paycheck and helping keep me on a routine, I also dread it too. But I like my job, so it should be fine.

Making Progress

So it's been a couple of days. I'm still hanging out at home. I'm thinking of getting brave and trying to go to a movie. The only kicker, I still can't drive. And if I could, I'm not sure I could walk the parking lot. But sitting in the theater would be okay. Maybe I will try to get out a little this weekend. I did some walking today. I should have already been doing it, but I've felt so tired and weak... No matter. Doing it now. I am going to try to walk again this evening. I go to the doctor this Thursday and probably get my staples out. I will be glad when my incisions are healed more, and I am not so sore. And tomorrow I can start eating sugar free pudding. Woohoo! I am tired of the drinks, but that is just part of the process. At least they do help give me the nutrition I need. Anyway, since I had the surgery, I have lost 15 lbs. I am losing about 1 lb a day. Whew!

Home Day Two

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. -Ed Cunningham

My second day at home has been mainly uneventful. I have been able to drink 2 protein drinks. And I've been sipping on water all day to try to keep hydrated. The incision where I had my JP drain is very sore today, and I am still weak and tired. In some ways this has been better than I expected and worse. The urge to want to eat real food has been stronger than I would have imagined, but I'm hanging in there. I also keep reminding myself that by next week, I can have a little bit of thin food like oatmeal and applesauce. By the end of 6 weeks, I will be eating regular food, though not like I did before. Yet, I will still be able to have good things. Things that are good for me for the most part. I might feel like poop now, but it will get better. And I have already lost 11 lbs since the surgery. Coupled with the pre-op diet weight loss, I have lost a total of 21 lbs. So, it is happening. We'll see what happens!

Welcome Home

Just a quick note that I just got home. I am sore and had to stay a day longer than planned, but I am doing well. I could not make myself drink the protein stuff at the hospital, but I am much more able to tolerate the stuff I bought for home use. Thanks for the prayers. Please continue to pray.

Before - June 30, 2008

This is a horrible picture, but you get the idea. Tomorrow is the big day at 9:10am. Please pray for me. I will try to remember to post weekly update photos.

Day before Surgery

I will post a picture later today, but I have my gastric bypass surgery tomorrow. I am incredibly nervous, but I am also ready to do this. I want to get it over with and start carving a new lifestyle out for myself. I am ready to live healthier and feel better though I know the latter will take some time. Please remember me in your prayers tomorrow. I have given instructions to my cousin to post an update on my status here tomorrow.

Thanks for all the encouragement!

Countdown to Surgery

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up. --Anonymous

Well, just 8 days including today until my gastric bypass surgery. To say that I am nervous is an overwhelming understatement. I am terrified, but excited as well. I am definitely ready to get the surgery over with and happy to see what my life will be like without all this weight. I'm also trying to keep myself prepared for pain and illness following the surgery until I adjust. It will also be a lot of hard work to carve out this new lifestyle for myself. But I have been working on getting some of this started prior to my surgery. I have been doing the pre-op diet, but I keep falling off the wagon. Of course, my lifestyle has been so previous bad that even falling off the wagon I have already lost 10 lbs. Everyone at work keeps telling me they can see that I've started losing weight. My clothes are fitting better, and I already have a little more energy. Please pray that I will trust God in all this and that He will have his hand of protection over me. I know a lot of people have this surgery and millions of people have surgery everyday, but I will heave a sigh of relief when I open my eyes after the surgery is complete. I have a lot of life to live, and I want to live it to the fullest. That is why I am doing this. Thanks, as always, for all of your prayers.

Filter Placement

I've been home for a while from my procedure on my leg. The filter is in place, and I can't tell. My leg is sore where the surgeon went in and my wrist from the IV, but otherwise, I am okay.

Please keep me in prayer for the next few weeks. Thanks!

Surgery

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure - which is: Try to please everybody. --Herbert Bayard Swope

I wanted to quickly post and give everyone an update. My surgery date has been changed to July 1st. I am nervous, but getting excited too. I know this will be a steep, uphill challenge, but I know it will be worth it. I have completed most of the preliminary stuff. I've had a sleep study, cardiac stress test, pulmonary stress test, a psychological exam, and met with a nutritionist. Next I have to have an ultrasound of my legs to check for blood clots and a pre-op interview at the hospital. Then I have to go and have a blood clot filter inserted. I swear I'm not making that up. It's a ground-breaking procedure this surgical group does - something they came up with in an effort to minimize the risk of complications from blood clots from the lower body. Keep praying for me. Next week, I start the pre-op diet designed to shrink my liver. The diet consists of two protein shakes, a protein bar, and a sensible meal a day. Gotta stick with it so I can have my surgery laprascopically instead of being cut. Again, please pray for me. Thanks, all!

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Surgery

The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were not limitations to over come. The hilltop hour would not be so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. --Helen Keller

Well, I got the call yesterday. My surgery has been scheduled for June 24th. It is really happening. I am extremely nervous, but very excited too. This is a chance for a new life for me - a better life. I won't lie and say I don't care about how I will look, but I am mainly looking forward to being able to do the things I can't do now because of my weight. I know I will feel better and have more energy. But I truly covet your prayers. I have never had major surgery like this before and am extremely nervous, as I stated before. But I believe in the power of an Almighty God, and I believe He listens to our prayers. Please pray for me. Thanks everyone!

Savannah, GA - April 26, 2008

Well, here we are in Savannah, Georgia for my older sister's 40th birthday trip. I am here with my mother and sister. I had never been to Savannah so I was really looking forward to seeing this world-famous city. And I was not disappointed. I must say, though, our journey has had some bumps. The first bump came with my Mapquest-printed directions. While the directions were easy to follow, I had gotten directions to the Hilton Garden Inn in Historic Downtown Savannah instead of the location where I actually booked the room. My sister and mom were really good sports about it. My confirmation print out for the room even had the correct directions if I had looked closer at them. The next bump came this morning when we got to a late start and went to the Waffle House two doors down from the hotel. We waited and waited and waited - all very hungry. Finally, we just got up and left. Anyone who knows me should realize how big of a deal this is. I very rarely leave a restaurant like that. We drove another half an hour before finding a restaurant outside of the historic district on 21 called Sunny Side Up. We had never heard of it, but decided to give it a try. It was very simple, but VERY good. After that, we headed to the historic district. It was very beautiful, crowded, and full of traffic. Trying to drive and sight see was impossible. We found the visitor's center which was a home for several trolley tour companies. We quickly purchased On/Off Tickets to a trolley tour with Old Savannah Tours. That was the best investment made today. The tour bypassed our expectations. We were allowed to get off the trolley at any of 14 stops in the city and reboard at any of the same spots. We rode the entire tour and got off on stop 14 - at the riverfront. We walked down some horrendously steep stairs and then found a small restaurant/pub to get a drink. After resting and rehydrating, we walked along the waterfront to stop 11. This took about an hour and a half and every minute was worth it. It would take more than a week to really sample all of Savannah's treasures. We only tasted a little, but what we had made an everlasting impression on me. And the time spent with my sister and mother has reminded me how much I love them and love spending time with them. I hope my sister has enjoyed her trip and knows how much I love her.

Wisdom?

Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever. -Daniel 12:3 NIV

Sometimes I pray to God to make me wise. I don't pray for patience because I know the way God makes us patient is by allow us to weather trials. Evidently, God has been working on my patience anyway, so I don't need to ask. But I truly covet wisdom. Ever feel like you look back on your life and can see so many mistakes? And you think, "Why did I think that was a good decision?" It is when I think that way that I ask God to give me wisdom in decisions now. I sometimes feel like I can't afford making any more mistakes in my life, then God reminds me to be prepared for mistakes instead of letting them defeat me. I am a finite, flawed human being, and I will make mistakes. But I shouldn't allow those mistakes to keep me from being an effective person or Christian. I can recover because God gives me the strength to do so. My life has been so twisted away from what God must have had planned for me, but He reminds me that He can make all things new. The past is over, but today is here. I have to face today with God's hope so my life can be made new, and others will see it in me.

Sons of Valor III in Dalzell, SC

Last weekend, I had the privilege of participating in a WWII tactical re-enactment with my WWII re-enacting group and other groups from the tri-state area. The event was called Sons of Valor III and was supposed to take place in the European Theatre late in the war, around 1945. I signed up to participate with the knowledge that in WWII women were not at the front. Nurses were close, but not too close, and women war correspondents were extremely limited as to where they could go as well. But I wanted to participate and support the guys from my group so I signed up and presented myself. My intention had been to portray a war correspondent, but one of the leaders of our group suggested I do a nurse impression because he had the gear for it. He also said he thought I would be able to get closer to the front at an aid station. Therefore, I agreed to the switch. On Saturday morning, the same leader advised me that our group was going to relieve the engineers who had been out all night at 7:00 AM. I could not join them, and he wasn't sure of the aid station so he suggested I make my way to the Command Post (CP) at 8:00 AM and let them know I was a nurse. So I did. Only problem? There was no aid station and since the fighting had already started, the commanders were very busy. They noticed I was there, but I did not have an opportunity to interrupt and ask what I should be doing. I watched them brief groups of troops and then abruptly jump in a jeep and drive away. I sat with a clerk and a some other CP support troops for a while. I had just about made up my mind to walk back to camp when an MP showed up and told us all to hurry up and move. The CP had to be moved to a new location immediately. As they loaded up, he looked at me and said, "Are you riding with us or him (the clerk)?" Stumped, but not wanting to hold anyone up, I just said, "Him," and jumped into the jeep (no small feet for my bulk).

We drove into the woods on a dirt path and ended up close to the fighting. I could hear the guns and watched as more troops came through the new CP location. For a couple of hours, I stood around watching and recording the commanders and troops at the CP. No one said anything to me, and I was really aware that I was probably somewhere I should not have been so I didn't want to draw attention to myself and get sent back. This was so much closer to the action than I had expected that I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.

After a few hours of this, all the troops had been deployed and all the commanders except for one had moved forward. The head guy (hey, still learning my ranks and whatnot) came to the three of us left - me, the clerk, and the other jeep driver. He let us know he was moving forward and noted that since we did not have weapons, we should wait in this position until he sent a runner to move us forward. We did as we were told and eventually were told to load the jeeps and move to another position. There, we did more standing around and waiting. I have to admit, the most exciting part of my morning so far had been riding in the jeep which was a welcome relief for my tired legs, aching from standing around in ill-fitting WWII combat boots for so long. I felt bad because I knew my guys were out hoofin' it across the combat zone, but they are all in MUCH better shape than me. My legs were already so weak I was staggering.

At the new position, we all ate our rations (granola bars for me) and waited for something to happen. Troops wandered randomly to our position to get water from the water jug. Then they wandered back to their fighting positions. Honestly, at this point, I was beginning to wish I had waited back at camp after all. Standing around waiting in the rear makes for a long day. But I stuck it out. At one point, at this position, I looked around, and my ride was gone. I felt a little panicked. I didn't even know where I was to get back. But a group of soldiers remained at this position so I hoped someone would come back or I would just link up with them. Just when I had about made that decision, the jeep driver showed up and told me to come with him.

We ended up back at the 2nd position again, but not for long. My group and the Brits were there so I finally got some video and pics of my guys. Yay! Then we were off again. This time, we made our way to where a wooden bridge had been constructed over a ditch. We rode the vehicles over and started to drive through combat zones. We were being fired on the entire time. At one point, our convoy stopped in the open, and we all had to jump out and take cover. My weak legs gave out at this point, and I fell into the bushes I had been squatting next to. The video posted below is from that point. The jeep driver loaded back up and left me in the bushes (an oversight, I am choosing to believe). I looked down the road and the Allied commander was waving for me to catch up. I ran down the road and loaded back into the jeep. We traversed some of the worst, washed out dirt roads I have ever seen, and those jeeps just plowed right through. Remember, these are vintage, restored WWII period jeeps, not repros. They were very impressive. At one point we stopped, and a lone German pulled his empty pistol and shouted for us to surrender in German. Of course, our troops just unloaded blanks on him. But we revived him and made him a POW, adding him to our caravan. He laughed and admitted he had been separated from his unit and wanted a ride. The troops took off into the woods to find his unit and left us (jeep drivers, MP, and nurse) back on the road. About twenty minutes later, a group of Germans sneaked up on us and shot those of us left including our German POW. He laughed and said he had been just fine until he hooked up with us, and now he had been killed twice. The Germans left with the POW, and we continued to wait for word.

That's when we heard the half track coming up behind us. We gathered our grenades and took cover in the woods to surprise them. But it never showed up. Finally, our MP rode forward on his motorcycle to see what was happening. He returned to advise the war was over and everyone was heading back to camp. We headed back as well. Once there, the skies opened up. My unit had not brought a regular tent, we only had our individual pup tents so we all packed up and went home. I was disappointed to miss out on the barbecue dinner and AAR, but the rain was cold and miserable. Still, I had the time of my life and was quite aware that I had been a part of something very rare to get so close to the fight that I was shot by Germans. I felt very honored and exhilarated! I went home on a wet, cold, sore cloud. At home, I told my roommate about some of my experiences, ate supper, then I went to bed and did not get up until the next day. All's well that ends well!

Clip from WWII Tactical Re-enactment

Trip

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot - but I always found them. -Rodney Dangerfield

Last weekend, I drove to North Myrtle Beach with my friend, T, to see my mother, stepfather, and younger siblings. I had not been to North Myrtle Beach since Thanksgiving of 2007 so it had been a while since I had seen them. T and I got up early and met them at the North Myrtle Beach St. Patrick's Day Parade (YouTube video to be added soon). We really had a good time. The parade there is VERY family friendly and all the participants throw green beads or candy for the most part. My little brother racked up on candy and even though he is sixteen, he wolfed it down and couldn't eat supper. Pretty funny, really. He and I also spent some time bonding over a PlayStation 2 game called Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Operation Resurrection. Video games are an area in which my younger siblings and I have always connected. When I was a kid, I had a Nintendo (Not a Nintendo 64 or any of that mess, just a plain old Nintendo). That was probably the beginning of the end for me. I have been addicted to games ever since. I have gone through a couple of consoles, but mostly play games on my computer now. When the younger siblings and I would play games, my years of console playing would always show and I would pretty much whoop up on any game they were trying to defeat. But Saturday night, I realized the controls for the PS2 are quite different, and I had a really difficult time aiming. My younger brother looked perplexed as he watched me. Finally, I said, "It's weird to watch me struggle so much with a game, isn't it?" He admitted that it was. I explained how different the controls were to what I had been used to in the past. He nodded, and we continued playing. It made me think, though, about how we get these ideals in our heads for people we know especially when we are young. We put them on certain pedestals and expect them to stay there forever, but with age and maturity, we learn those standards are impossible. And the people we might have idolized when we were young are still just human beings. I hope that seeing that made my little brother think of me in a different way. Our age difference has always made our relationship non-traditional for siblings anyway. Maybe seeing me struggle with the controller will remind him, however, that I am a fallible sister and not a gaming goddess. Anyone I've ever playing Enemy Territory online with could already testify to that. :-)

The Odyssey of the Wondrous Sleep Machine

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars. -Les Brown

Since being diagnosed with sleep apnea, I have been put on an APAP machine to wear at night. It works like a CPAP only its airflow is low until the person wearing it stops breathing and then it increases to compensate. I have struggled with it the last week. It takes some getting used to, but I can tell a difference already. I got up on time this morning and not only had time to take my morning shower and get dress (which is usually all I have time for), I was able to do my hair and makeup and have a little time to post this. What a wonder! Isn't God good? If I had not prayed about the gastric bypass and decided to pursue it, I would probably not have been tested for apnea and not have started using the APAP. God's blessings are overwhelming, and I see Him so at work in my life. I am so thankful.

Restructuring My Head

Change your thoughts and you change your world. -Norman Vincent Peale

Yesterday I saw the counselor in charge of my prescreening exam for the gastric bypass surgery. I really liked her, and left her office encouraged. While she gave me the thumbs up for the surgery, she also gave me some advice. Some of the advice I already knew, but I have not been applying it to myself. I mentioned how difficult it is going to be for me to give up my southern sweet tea (it's like crack), and she stopped me almost mid-sentence. "If you tell yourself that, it will be hard, but you can convince yourself this is no big thing." I remember when Dr. Phil first came on the scene, and he talked about having tapes running in your head. The idea made sense to me. If you are constantly telling yourself you are worthless, you will believe it. So if I keep running this tape in my head that says, "Giving up ____ will be hard," then it will be. But if I keep telling myself that the item is just a thing I can take or leave, I will have control over the thing instead of the thing having control over me. Isn't this kind of what faith is about? God says believe, and it shall be. Mind you, that is not a direct quote, but you know what I mean. God tells us to ask for what we want and have faith. He doesn't say ask for what you want and then think about how it won't really happen. God is a wonderful, loving Father who wants to share His gifts with us. So I need to change the tapes in my head and put my faith in God.

Olive Tree

But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever. -Psalm 52:8 (NKJV)

I enjoy the daily readings in my Divorce Care workbook. This was one of the verses this morning. I love the Bible for so many reasons. I love that it's God's word to us, His revelation of Himself to us. But I also love God's poetry and wording. No matter which translation of the Bible you read, the lyrical beauty of the image of the olive tree is wonderful. And the thought that God's mercy is forever gives me hope for every day. Yesterday was a bit of a trial, but I know that every day is an opportunity for things to get better, for me to improve myself and show a better account of myself. If I know God's mercy is forever, I can feel empowered to step out and try things. God is my support and I know if I try hard but still make a mistake, God is still merciful and there to renew me like the olive tree.

Divorce Care Night

To walk out of God's will is to step into nowhere. -C.S. Lewis

Tonight is my Divorce Care class. I'm glad because although it's for a sad reason, I find hope in what we study in the class. And I think the most important thing I have been finding is that I must look for and trust in God's will. I don't really have much more to say today, but I wanted to give that thought. God is good if we seek Him.

Life

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. -Dan Stanford

How true. Today's experience is waking up still sick. I really wanted to wake up feeling better. I went to the doctor this morning who took x-rays of my lungs (nothing there, by the way, so that's a positive). She could hear a rattle, but the pictures came back decent. But rather than put me on steroids for the cough, she saw something in the back of my throat that concerned her, and she referred me to an ENT. I will see the ENT this afternoon. What does that mean? I'm a bit distressed and worried. I'm very concerned about missing so much work. With the initial illness, I missed almost two weeks. I went back to work last week and now I have missed another day and a half this week. I intended for this blog to be perpetually upbeat and encouraging, but then I remembered something. Life happens. Every day of our lives will not be full of mirth and wellness, but we can pull through and conquer the obstacle if we trust in God to lead us through. I don't know why I am staying sick for so long, but I believe that all things work for the greater good for those who love the Lord. And He's still with me. Things could be so much worse. I have been very lucky and blessed. I need to remember that. I also should look for the lessons I can glean from this situation. For example, I got my tax refund and while I am very excited, I am sick and can't really do anything with it. This in itself is probably a blessing as I am not out spending it, but it reminds me that all the money in the world counts for nothing without your health. And it also reminds me that though I am sick, I could be much worse. I think I will take all of this as a reminder to be thankful to God for every breath.

Fate is not out to get me

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. -Hebrews 10:23 (NIV)

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I had a clumsy morning. I knocked over some bottles in the shower, dropped the bath shampoo on my foot, and couldn't turn the cold water off (the handle is stripped...long story). I felt my frustration level going up, and I thought, "The cosmic forces are set against me. Today is not going to be good." But then I stopped and thought, "What forces?" God is not out to "get" me. And as a Christian, I don't subscribe to karma. So I am a little clumsy this morning. I might not always be able to control my equilibrium which is off due to my ongoing sickness, but I can control how I react. I made the conscious decision not to let a little before work mishaps affect my entire day. It can be a good day.

Running Late for Work As Usual

So, just a quick humorous thought for today:

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. -Emma Bombeck

Divorce is hard, but things will get better. I am trying to spend this time getting myself together and organizing my life. But loneliness does sometimes creep up on ya. Guess that's why it's so important to stay busy.

Love and Mourning

When I'm sad, I sing, and then others can be sad with me. -Mark Twain

Several people I know are going through a divorce or have just recently gone through a divorce. Until recently, I did not grasp how unable I had been able to relate to my friends and family who have gone through a divorce. It's much worse than I would have expected and much different. But it had really helped to have such good friends and family supporting me. And it's helped to be able to commiserate with other people going through the same thing. Still, it's hard to see them struggle too. I wish there was more I could do to help my friends. I suppose I will keep praying for them for now. Please keep praying for me too.

Joel 2:25

This verse states:

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust.(NKJV)

I am currently separated from my husband and have been attending a Divorce Care support group. One of the facilitators quoted this verse, and it really spoke to me. How profound that God can restore the years that the locust has eaten! I have made some really bad choices in my life, but I know that God can restore me if I trust in Him and really seek his will. This blog is intended to chronicle my quest to seek God's will and restore my life to what it should be. I love quotes and will be quoting the Bible, literature, and even just wise people on this blog. I hope you may also find inspiration for your life in some of these things as well. I also hope that my life will stand as an example that you can recover from bad things. We cannot always control our circumstances, but we can always control how we react to them. Thanks for stopping by!