Getting Back to Basics

Take time to discover who you are, and be your own person. --Paula Bachleda Koskey

So I haven't posted since my divorce was final. No, it's not because I've been so busy dating. Actually, more like I've been busy making an idiot of myself. That is a story that actually will not end up on this blog. Also, there's been drama in my personal life that also will not end up here. I know, I know. I normally write everything here, but the drama was not my personal drama so it's not my place. It has, however, kept me from writing. But I think I have some better perspective on the personal situations so I feel better.

One thing I do want to say for now, though, is that our God is a mighty and loving God. I really don't deserve the fact that He saves me from myself quite often, but I'm so thankful He does. Just having the personal relationship I have with Him is a blessing, but He gives us so much more. And I will also say, I really do need protection from myself. I could get myself in all kinds of trouble. I've been contemplating bad relationships, job choices, etc. I think I have just been so weirded out by the divorce that everything has felt up in the air. But I've been looking to God for help and yesterday, I just felt a sense of peace wash over me. It's as if God actually said to me, "Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46)." I feel like I'm being reminded that with the divorce, now is not the time for me to make ANY big decisions. The only decision I am content with is to go back to school. I enrolled at Southern Wesleyan College last week. Classes for my cohort will start in February as long as I can get all the paperwork taken care of in time. Whew! Big step, but I've needed to do it for a long time!

Finality

So I'm truly single now. It's mind-boggling to me that people walk into court married and out of court single. I knew it would happen, but it still just baffles me. My cousin and I spent maybe 5 minutes in court. The judge was filing the decree yesterday with the clerk of court, and my ex and I are truly divorced. It feels weird, but can I admit to feeling some relief and freedom. I'm no longer in limbo. I'm divorced, but single. This morning, I spent a long time on the phone with my ex hashing out some last financial details. Then I updated my bills calendar and re-worked my budget. It's going to be tight, but I'm confident that I'll make it. And things won't always be this tough. I will, however, be keeping my car for the rest of my life because once that thing is paid for. I don't think I can be talked into another car payment for a LONG time. Maybe if I eventually meet my goal of marrying Josh Groban or Micheal Buble for their money and voices then I can have another car payment once this one is paid off. Otherwise, it will be a hard sell.

It's a new life for me. In fact, I'm convinced it's time to start doing things that help meet my goals and dreams instead of just keeping the status quo. Next week, I'm meeting with an admissions representative from a local college. I'm going to do my best to complete my four year degree. I know this will open a lot of doors for me, even with my writing. A degree will really give more credibility to my writing and freelance work. I know it's a step in the right direction. Eventually it will truly help me to make more money and be more self-sufficient, which is my main goal. It will also help with my secondary goal of meeting the first goal by doing work that I enjoy.

Before I sign off, I want to say thank you to so many people that have prayed for me and encouraged me in the last few weeks (months). You know who you are, and you're greatly appreciated. And to those who were able to make it to the girlie party last night, thank you so much for coming! I had a great time, and it was the perfect way to end the day.

I'm hoping my posts will really start taking a new tone again as I move on with my life and learn more about myself. Everyone, have a wonderful weekend!

D-Day Coming

So Friday is D-Day for me (Divorce). I meet my lawyer at the courthouse at 10:30 am and go to court at 11:15 am. I know this has to happen, but I am really dreading it. And I have just been a wreck last week and this week. I did not expect to be this emotional. I guess everyone goes through different emotions when they get divorced. I have ridden a roller coaster as the date draws closer. I know that God wants to bless me and is not going to leave me alone, but it's still a turbulent time. Not to mention, as usual, I have too many irons in the fire and trying to juggle to get everything completed. Worried about money. The usual. I will be all right, but I could still sure use some prayers. Especially Friday. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.

On a quick lighter note, I went to a WWII training in South Hills, VA last weekend. It was a blast! It was cold, but it was a blast. When I say cold, I mean, cold. I mean, I pulled my tent flap back to go to sleep and ice fell off, cold. Ended up spending part of the night in my car with the heater on. I'm not proud. The training itself was helpful. I got to do close order drill with a rifle and follow the guys into tactical training. Got "shot" twice. Once, I caught it on video! Wonder if I could load it here? Hmmmm...

Happy New Year!

As I crawl out of bed at 12:15 pm, I am astonished by the possibilities of my life. Sure, most days I am frustrated by my current situation, but I should be honest with myself. All of my current situations are a result of my decisions. That means, I can change almost every aspect of my life I am unhappy with including my job, my home, my weight (obviously, already working on that). Anything I want to change will take time and hard work, but having gastric bypass surgery has proven something to me. I am capable of being more disciplined than I ever thought possible. Sure, it's fear of getting sick that drives me, but I am still driven. If I trust in God and don't rely simply on my own resources, I can achieve a LOT more than I am now. And that is what I want. I have a good job, a decent place to live, and have already lost 113 pounds. Do I want more? Absolutely. Why? Because it's possible. My job is good, but there is more to me than this job. The place I live, it's roomy, but with lots of problems. My weight - well, I am so happy with my achievement, but I'm not ready to stop losing weight because I still have about 80 pounds to go to reach my goal.

I want to make it understood that I am extremely grateful for my blessings, and I have been very blessed. But I feel a drive to achieve more with my life than what I am doing now. I have always felt a need to exceed the norm, and I have always felt God instilled that in me for a reason. I don't need to be rich, famous, or powerful to do this. But I feel that my life was meant to be something different than what it is now. I don't feel like I was supposed to work in a cube farm environment doing the same thing day in and day out. But maybe I am. I don't think I am explaining this very well, and I don't want to sound like a snob. I think it boils down to this: I've heard all my life that when God gives you a gift, He intends for you to use it. I think that's true with our personalities, too. If God gives you a creative thought process, He expects you to channel it and use it, just like an artistic talent. I am very rarely using any of those gifts, especially in the job I have now. I just feel there has to be a way to use my personality and talents in a job that will suit me and help others. This year, I will spend a lot of time in prayer about it. And I think I'm going to try to go back to school and finish my degree so I have more options. Please pray with me about this. Your prayers are also much appreciated as is your friendship.

The one thing in my life I don't want to change (except maybe to add to it) is my network of friends and family that have been such wonderful support and love in my life! Thank you all for being there for me. I sincerely hope I can bring to your lives what you bring to mine.

And lastly this morning, in response to a previous comment, I'll briefly mention last night's party. I have to admit, I obviously and not well yet because one bout of the Electric Slide (stop giggling) sent me into a small coughing fit. But I recovered, and the night was a great success! My cousin had invited so many people she had a whole table full of guests, which was great because we had a blast. The DJ was funny. He actually got almost everyone to do the Hokey Pokey. Yes, I know. I haven't done that since the last time I went to the rollerskating rink that is now closed. It made me a little skeptical, but actually it was a pretty good icebreaker. I learned a new line dance and met a lot of people. I was coaxed to croak out some karaoke even with my cold. Then I coaxed my whole table into getting onstage with me to sing "My Boyfriend's Back." Near midnight, after a lot of dancing and talking, the crowd had kinda settled into seats at tables. A small group started dancing and singing to some music from Grease. I managed to get my roommate to go up with me and the DJ got involved with the dance shoving the microphone into my face to sing the girl's part from "Summer Nights." This startled me into almost choking on and then swallowing my gum. Goodbye, Mint Mojito gum! It was hilarious. A good night to be sure! At midnight, I didn't kiss anyone (to answer someone's question), but I hugged a lot of people and got a kiss on the cheek from a stranger. We watched some fireworks and went home. I had a great time. And am so happy to remember that I can. And to be sure, I DANCED and DANCED! By the end of the night, I was worn out, and I slept until after noon, but it was worth it!

I hope everyone had a wonderful evening, and I sincerely hope that 2009 is a better year than 2008 for everyone I know. Happy New Year, everyone!