Uh Oh. Now What?

A few months ago, I was given a choice about my job. I won't go into detail other than to say a yes or a no would significantly impact my life either way. I prayed and prayed. Then I asked my circle of prayer warriors among my friends and family to pray with me. A good friend repeatedly gave me this verse throughout this process:

"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left" (Isaiah 30:21 English Standard Version).

In the end, I felt God leading me to decline the proposition on the table. I gave my employer my answer and waited for the inevitable.

Last week, the satellite office I worked for was closed, and I was laid off. I had been in that job since 2007. I had survived three lay-offs, one supervisor, two managers, two assistant vice presidents, and even a corporate acquisition.

While in the human resources office, one of the staff members looked at me and said, "You're taking this very well."

There are a few reasons for that:

1. I could understand the business reasoning for the office closure so I didn't take it personally.
2.  Getting hysterical wouldn't change the business determination.
3. MOST IMPORTANT: God is in control.

So when management told me they were closing our office effective immediately, I remembered all the prayers and God's answer. 

He has a plan, and while it's daunting to lose a job, I'm excited to see what God's working out through this. God's plans for me are higher than my own, and I'm clinging to Him in an uncertain time. I've been listening to this song a lot. I hope it comforts you the way it continues to comfort me.

Why Should I Forgive Her?

Most of us have a variety of friends on Facebook - the person we met ten years ago standing in line at the grocery store, the old high school friend you weren't really friends with, the girl from second grade you shared a sleepover with, our relatives, our besties... The list goes on and on.

Recently as I scrolled through my feed, I came across a post from a friend whose name normally brings with it a sting of rejection. I've often questioned why I friended this person on Facebook after our history, but that seems to be how Facebook works. We had been good friends, but one day, without warning, she snubbed me. Things never returned to normal, and I was never sure why. I was given a reason by an acquaintance, but it didn't make sense. It's really not important now other than to say I was legitimately wronged.

It hurt. A lot. That hurt was compounded by the rough season I faced in my life at the time. A few years later, we were invited to the same event and made a superficial peace for the sake of our mutual friend.

I remembered all of this as I looked at the post, still feeling the pang of the lost friendship. I read the post, and my heart broke over what her family has been currently facing. I went about my morning routine, but I couldn't get it out of my head. As I put on my makeup, I muttered, "I really should forgive her. She's been through a lot."

This made me stop. I took a long look at myself in that mirror and felt shame. I should forgive her only because she's been through a lot? Conviction gripped me tight. No. I should forgive her because God forgives me, and His word instructs me to forgive others. Am I better than her? Certainly not. I have done vile things, thought evil thoughts, but I seek forgiveness from God and have asked forgiveness from those in my life. How can I expect to be forgiven if I don't forgive others?

The simmering anger I had held onto all these years started to melt away, and I realized once again that forgiveness heals. The person you forgive may never know it. But doing so allows our hearts to release the bitterness so we can love like we should. I don't have to continue to endure someone's bad behavior. I can choose not to accept toxic relationships, but forgive the person, and let the anger die.

Are you holding onto anger and hurt? Why not let God help you forgive? It's not easy, but if God instructs us to do something, He doesn't leave us to do it alone.

I Am Not Alone

It's been five years since my last post, and I've debated with whether or not to continue this blog since I have trouble with being consistent with it.

But this morning, as I was sitting at the kitchen table and drinking my coffee, I started thinking about how blessed I am, and I just had to share it.

You see, I have been struggling with one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life - a decision that would not only impact me but also everyone close to me. I've prayed and wept and prayed and asked other to pray and prayed some more and wept some more. This choice has been eating me alive. I've been sick. I haven't been sleeping well. I've gained seven pounds (thanks, steroids). I haven't been a good friend or family member to people, and all my focus has been on what I should do.

Here's the thing about being solely focused on self, though. We lose sight of God and His will. I was praying for God's will (and still am), but then I spent all day and night searching my own wisdom. Now, I'm not saying that in times of decision that I don't think God expects us not to use the earthly tools He gives us, but we also have to trust Him.

So I made a decision last week based on what I felt like God was leading me to do, and, finally, I felt some peace. Things are still going to be tough. None of the options in this scenario would be easy so even this decision has risks and challenges, but I recently watched a video from a Christian teacher who said, "If God calls you, He will equip you."

Friends, I have been soul-searching, struggling, and depressed, but I have not been alone. God is pulling me through this, and I am so grateful. I hope this song blesses you today the way it has been blessing me through this time.

Eavesdropping at work

Lately, circumstances have dictated my need to work in the actual office instead of from my home.  When in the office, I typically play music through headphones and drown out distractions.  Today, I had not yet put the headphones on my ears and heard someone say, "If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will."  How many times have I said that!  Hearing that made me ashamed.  I'm not, nor should I be, first.  Christ should be first.  Showing His love should be my priority.  I am so guilty of forgetting that.  What a reminder today.

Boston, Texas, and more

The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him. (Nahum 1:7 NKJV)

My last post on this blog was in 2011. Where does the time go? I haven't written here in a long time because I've been assaulted with the idea, "Who am I to say anything?" Well, I'm not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes, but I love the Lord and still want to encourage people with what encourages me.

In light of this week's events, I have struggled, like so many people, to make sense of these tragedies in Boston and Texas. The destruction, in both places, is hard to fathom. I won't pretend to understand why these things happen. It's one of those questions most Christians wrestle with on a regular basis. I don't have a good answer other than to say I'm not God. My mind is finite, limited. I cannot see all things or understand His bigger plan. What I do know, is God is still there. God is still with us if we draw near to Him

Someone said to me this week, "I just don't know how much more of this I can stand." My response is what it always is in these dark times. It won't always be like this. If we believe the Bible (and I do), our hope lies in His promise that Jesus will return. The world will be made new. This life is just a blip in comparison to the eternity He has promised us as His children.

In the interim, God shows us He still empowers people to help one another. He empowered bystanders and first responders to leap over barricades and tear them down to reach the wounded. He empowered people to share their coats and homes and food. That's just the tip of the iceberg in Boston. We don't even know the heroic stories that will come out of Texas. We all still need to allow God to empower us to help victims of both tragedies. The opportunity is before us to rise to the challenge and show God's love until He returns. Let's stand in God's love and share that love with those who need us in their darkest hours. Pray and look for ways to help. The medical bills will be horrific for people at both sites. And so many in Texas will have lost everything - homes, clothes, possessions. We can help. In the coming days, reputable organizations like Samaritan's Purse and the American Red Cross will be sending aid. Look at these organizations to see how we can help.

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/
http://www.redcross.org/news/press-release/Red-Cross-Response-Efforts-Continue-in-Texas-and-Boston

Struggling with Forgiveness

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9 NASB

I think most Christian struggle with the idea of forgiveness. And I think the hardest part of forgiveness sometimes is forgiving ourselves. I'm constantly telling people who talk to me about this how if we pray in a truly remorseful way to ask for forgiveness, God forgives. Then we must forgive ourselves. But in light of poor decisions I have made recently, now I have to try to follow my own advice. I hate the feeling of being separated from God by my own sins and the feeling that I have no right to talk to God. But this morning, I was thinking about my own advice. I have already prayed about these things. If God will forgive me, who am I to continue to rake myself over the coals? My friend, Eric Horner, has a song that says, "What's done is done." Thank God He is faithful, and the past is the past. Today is a new day by the grace of the Lord.

Anger and Sin

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger - Ephesians 4:26 NASB

While I saw people on the news who were supposedly happy with the outcome of the Casey Anthony trial yesterday, I don't know anyone in my realm of reality that agreed with that. God is the author of justice. So yesterday's verdict angers us, because it doesn't seem like justice. I could launch into a diatribe now about how flawed our legal system is and how morally corrupt our world is, but we are all aware of these facts. The question now is, how do we handle these facts?

I struggle with this idea a lot. How can we be angry and not sin? How do we still enjoy God's peace and fight injustice at the same time? How do we reconcile the idea of an all-powerful God and injustice we see everyday? I am not the first to ask this question. I will not be the last. And I think this is one of the hardest questions of the Christian Faith. I truly wish I could offer an answer that would completely satisfy this problem. I don't have a plain answer. What I have is faith.

I believe that God is ultimately in control, but I believe He has chosen to give mankind freewill - freewill that we misuse constantly. But I also believe that God's promise to always be with us, to never leave nor forsake us, is real. Bad things happen, but God never abandons us. I can't imagine how much worse any of this would be without God. I have been through very dark times in my life. There were times when I was so angry with God for letting things happen to me that were awful and unfair. But God never left me. Now I know that He carried me through those times. He comforts me even now.

May 21st - the End of the World?

But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone. Matthew 24:36 NASB

So why do people keep insisting they know when the world is going to end? Well, I don't know the answer to that question either. I have seen billboards and vehicles displaying this end of the world on May 21st warning all over the place. Frankly, it makes my blood boil. Jesus warned us that people would try to predict the date of His return, but every time I hear or see someone actually do it, I'm annoyed. There are some ideas in the Bible that have difficult interpretations. This is not one of them.

But this warning did start me to thinking. What if tomorrow was the day Jesus returns? How would we treat today differently? What would we do out of our normal routine? If you had to stand face to face with Jesus Christ tomorrow, how would it affect the words that you speak today? How would that affect the choices you make today? Would you spend time reading your Bible? Would you make time to pray? Would you tell your family members you love them? Would you try to help someone in need?

We don't know the day and time, and the Bible calls us to always be ready. Instead of continuing to fester in annoyance at these doomsayers, I think I'll just try to remember that they don't know and neither do I so I better live each day as if tomorrow is THE day. And this way, I can trust God for the peace that only He can give.

I'm Not Dead

But I don't know about what to write. It's one of those times when everything seems to be in total chaos. The world is a scary place right now, there's no denying that. As if people aren't frightening enough, it's as if nature has turned against us as well. Tornadoes, tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, and more. What can we do against this kind of overwhelming discord? In these times, it's easy to allow ourselves to get tangled up in worry and stress. I certainly do it from time to time. I will get so stressed I almost forget to breathe. I find myself holding my breath at my desk at work. I have to remind myself to inhale and exhale in long, slow breaths. It usually clears my head.

So what do we do? How do we handle this? I don't have the answers other than what helps me. Prayer is powerful. I try to make it my first line of defense. No matter how crazy the world seems, I know God is still there and listens to His children's prayers. How can we then put feet to these prayers?

First, we have to remember that we can control ourselves and our reactions, but not those around us. We can't bend others to our will. We cannot control this world, only how we react to it.

Second, we should diligently do what is before us. I work in a stressful environment right now. Everyday, I come in and face an unreasonable amount of work for any one person. All I can do is pick up one thing at a time and do it. Eventually, the storm will pass, but until then, I will do what I can do, go home, and not think about it past that.

Third, I feel strongly about helping people so I volunteer and donate to causes I feel do good work. It makes me feel like I'm doing something to help. It makes me feel less powerless in this crazy world.

This is not a fool-proof recipe, and I certainly fail at this from time to time, but these things help me. And I practice to get better at them everyday. If I remember and employ nothing else, I will pray and remember God hears and answers.

Re-reading the Classics

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
--Emily Dickinson

I've been reading Little Women by Louisa May Aclott and Emily Dickinson's poetry lately and am reminded of lessons I tend to forget. Some of that work seems irrelevant at first glance, but the more I think about it, the more I see those lessons still apply. For instance, I find it hard to keep perspective sometimes that I'm not here to please myself. The characters in Little Women struggled with that dilemma as well. Now, more than ever, we live in a culture that is all about self-gratification and instant satisfaction. Even our television viewing is saturated with reality shows about people who do NOT live in reality (thereby causing kids to think this is what life is supposed to be like, by the way). But these attributes are not new to the human race. Greed and selfishness have been around since the beginning of time. And yet, I am so quick to look at society and celebrities and scold for how selfish everyone is, but I have to take time to remember that I need to look at the plank in my own eye first. Instead of worrying what everyone else can do to help people, maybe I should worry about what I can do to help people. Taking care of the less fortunate is not a job for the government. It's a job for the church according to Jesus. And I am the church. We are the church. The church is not a building, it's individuals like myself. I am hoping to retrain my focus from clucking at how awful people around me are. Instead, I'm going to try asking myself, "What can I do to help someone else?" Sometimes, that answer is only prayer, but prayer is mighty powerful.

Morning Headache

Ever just wake up cranky? I had trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep last night. Therefore, I woke up with a headache. The headache is probably also related to sinus issues as our heater has been running nearly nonstop since this winter storm hit. I dragged out of bed 45 minutes after my alarm and let the dog out. I cringed realizing we had not bought enough breakfast groceries. I sat down with a cup of coffee and sighed. But for the first time in a long time, instead of moaning, "Ugh, this is gonna be a bad day," I just heaved a sigh and felt some peace settle over me. I had a rough night, but thank God, I woke up to face another day. I have a gaggle of wonderful family and friends I don't deserve. I have a job and benefits. I have a warm house in which to live and food to eat (there is stuff to eat, just not what I wanted for breakfast). I even have more than I need so I can have a laptop and TV and a fancy schmancy phone. I support two cats and a dog (all of which are rotten - and true, my roommate probably pays more for the cats than I do). I have been so blessed to live in a country where I can be free to express my beliefs and religion. Our country has its problems, but we are still free. And I am still proud and blessed to be an American.

I woke up cranky, and God just wouldn't let me stay that way. He reminded me that He has blessed me and to be thankful. And I am. I really am!

2011

I have read a lot of articles and advice that would indicate New Year's Resolutions are not a great idea. They set you up for failure and make you feel bad if you don't keep with them. It's said you should set goals instead of resolutions, and they seem more obtainable. I suppose that makes sense, but I don't think there's anything wrong with using a specific date to change habits in your life. Using a specific date seems to help prepare your mind for it. I made a couple of resolutions/goals/changes (whatever you feel better calling it) this year. One of my goals is to be more consistant with posts to my blogs. My aim is once a week. If you enjoy this blog and notice more than a week passing without a post, feel free to ask me about it. I'm sure there will be times going forward I won't be able to post once a week, but that will be the goal.

I hope everyone has had a safe and cheerful Christmas and New Year Holiday!

Goodbye, Thanksgiving...Hello, Christmas

Today was the first Sunday in Advent. So this past week, we spent time being thankful for all our blessings. Now we focus on the greatest gift we could have ever received - Christmas. I don't mean Santa and his elves. I'm not talking about trees with garland and lights. Don't get me wrong. I like the shiny bows and beautifully wrapped gifts. But the real joy of Christmas comes from remembering the love of a God who would willingly leave a throne of glory to become a helpless baby. The joy is in knowing that Jesus loved us enough to come here and be born in Bethlehem in the humblest of beginnings. Tonight, my roommate and I have watched a couple of fluffy Christmas movies and laughed in delight. But the reason we can enjoy this season and have so much fun is because of the freedom and liberty Christ's sacrifice has given us. Remembering how mankind waited for the Messiah and celebrated His birth, we can now await His triumphant return! In the meantime, we are supposed to live with the joy and victory God has already given us and share the love He gives us with others. I'll say it again before the season is over, but Joy to the World! The Lord has come!

Hives and more...Epiphany!

I missed two days of work this week from a horrible outbreak of what turned out to be hives. HIVES. Monday morning I awoke to find my eyes swollen so badly I almost didn't recognize them in the mirror (the crazy hair gave me away, though). This upset me. The next thing I knew, I was swelling and breaking out all over. My legs, my back, my ankles, my arms... I had problems with hives when I was a kid, but hadn't had an issue in years and years. Because there is a risk of a possibly life-threatening rash with my medication, I became concerned this was related to the drug. I called my doctor and was referred to a dermatologist and told to stop the medicine. The dermatologist looked me over and pronounced, "Oh, they're just hives. Take some over the counter Zyrtec until they go away." He implied they were probably stress-related. I've thought about that all afternoon and evening. The more I worried about missing work and the rash, the more I broke out. The more I broke out, the more I worried. I was doped up on medicine and dreaming about not being at work. I guess all my recent worry about family, work, and money finally caught up with me. I am a closet worrier. On the surface and in most public venues, I seem calm and in control, but inside, I'm fretting. My daily coworkers and my family members know my secret. And I worry about them knowing my neurotic side so well.

But in the end today, I remembered something important. God only expects me to do the best I can do. I should do what I can and let God handle the rest. I see so many areas where justice needs to be doled out for wrongs, but nothing appears to be happening. Then I remember that justice truly remains in God's hands. When I worry about my family, I remember that prayer is powerful, and God hears and honors it. My stress over money? Ridiculous, really. I have so many blessings - a home, food, a car, even this laptop. And work... Sigh... Work is probably my biggest worry weakness. What does God expect me to do? Chip away at the work with my honest and earnest effort and know things will be okay.

Things will be okay. God IS in control. All the time. Forever. A deep breath and this verse helped me today: "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" (Psalm 46:10 NKJV)

And the answer is...

No.

God answered one of my prayers recently. The answer was not what I wanted to hear. In fact, I was quite heartbroken. And I actually said outloud, "God, why can't I have what I WANT for once?" But then I stopped and took it back. What I want for myself is never as good as what God wants for me. Receiving a "no" from God is difficult to accept, though. I really thought I was on the right track this time. But when I think over my life and prayers, those prayers I truly submitted to God were not always answered the way I wanted. And for some of those, I still don't know the reason, but I trust that God does. And there IS a reason. God has a purpose and a will for my life. I have to trust that this "no" is also a "wait and see what good thing I have in store for you!"

To Luke 1_28

Thank you! I will keep your comments in mind. :-) And I will pray and think about these comments.

Waiting

Wow. So it's been a while since my last post. Sorry, people. Things have been weird. I have been very blessed, but life has been very hectic and stressful. Right now, I am being taught a lesson in patience, and I don't like it. I decided a long time ago to NEVER pray for patience. The only way to truly gain patience is to go through trials you can do nothing about except rely on God to carry you through. Or to not get an answer you want, but not to truly get a "no." That's where I am now. Lots of ideas swirling around in my head about what I want to do or what I feel led to do, but no clear direction on most issues even though I've been praying and have had others praying. But I'm getting little pointers here and there. I know God is listening. And He's with me even if I'm not enjoying His trickling responses. I truly believe there's a reason for it. This must be the pace God wants for me right now. I just need to keep praying for direction, and it will come.

Prayer

God, Your words are like fire to my weary and dark soul. Set me aflame, and give me Your Light so that I might spread Your Light to those who are still in the shadows.

All Souls

For the first time in years and years, I am excited about my relationship with God and my church. Although I've been reconnecting with God, I have struggled to find a church for a while now. Something never quite clicked for me at the churches I visited. I wish I could explain why. The reasons were so varied. The church was too small, too big, not friendly enough, smothering, needy, not needy enough, the music was out of style, there were no traditional hymns, etc. You can see I found every excuse in the world. And I am pretty creative so I was able to find something about every church. Even though I knew deep down that I was making excuses so I could avoid going to church, I blamed everything else around me.

Last November, my older brother approached me and my housemate/best friend about an idea he had stumbled across in his search for a church home as well. He stumbled upon an idea called the Convergence movement. This idea put forth the concept that church should include all three main streams of worship: liturgical, evangelical, and charismatic. It seems like a lot of modern churches only focus on one of these three streams, but the convergence movement recognizes the importance of each one. I was intrigued. Of course, this does not mean that every church misses the boat, but it seems like church as usual is just not working. My older brother advised that there was not a convergence church in our area and posed the question. Would we want to start a church in Elgin, South Carolina?

My heart sank. I was ready to hop on board with a church like this, but start one? That would require so much time and effort. But the more he talked about it, the more I prayed, the more I felt led to give it a try. So in November of 2009, All Souls Mission was born. We are a tiny, tiny congregation at this time, but we are so blessed. Learning about this movement and being one of four has forced me to stay focused and committed to church. If I miss church, it's because I'm doing ministry work with another group, not because I was just too lazy to get out of bed. I can tell that God is working on my heart and speaking to me in a way I've never known before. The liturgical service and charismatic music is moving me more than I would have thought possible. Our group study focuses on our evangelical thrust and has really challenged my way of thinking. I can't even describe how excited all this has made me. Maybe all the searching I did was simply leading up to this challenge. I'll have to keep thinking about that. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy my renewed zeal for my relationship with Christ and focus on sharing His love.

Still Alive

I apologize. This blog has been quite neglected. But I am still here, and I still have a lot to say - things I hope people will find encouraging and thought-provoking. As some of you may know, I have been involved in the commissioning of a small, new Anglican Mission in Elgin, SC. We meet in my living room. This has been a time consuming and extremely rewarding process. Sometimes God hits me over the head, and this mission has been God's wake up call to me. My relationship with God has been strange over the last year, but through my commitment to helping with All Souls Mission, God and I have been getting reacquainted. Isn't it wonderful to know that if we seek Him, we will find Him!